Post by benno on May 21, 2009 7:04:27 GMT -5
In my reckless youth I used to be a fan of Jeam Claude Van Damme and recently revisited the works of the acclaimed Belgian. I wrote this review at the time; may prompt some discussion on JCVD.
Far be it from me to ruin any mans much-anticipated Van Dammage; hence be warned that spoilers lay ahead...
Jean Clause Van Damme is in the midst of a renaissance you know. The recently released JCVD, a self-parodying and brutally honest little film that intertwined fact and fiction both cleverly and convincingly, deserved much more mainstream attention than it received. Before that, everyone’s favourite Belgian (yeah, fuck you Tintin, and that dog) could be found putting in a decent acting performance in Until Death which, although flawed, was on a par with a lot of contemporary ‘a-list’ cinematic efforts. With two enjoyable flicks in quick succession I was eager to see what else I’d missed out on in Van Damme’s wilderness years as the 1999 chudfest Universal Soldier: The Return had finally extinguished my once raging enthusiasm for anything Van Damme.
Everyone has a guilty pleasure or two. Be it Donny Osmond, Bingo or removing chocolate biscuits from their wrappers then refolding the wrappers to resemble the original shape and putting them back, hence fooling the next biscuit-seeker into thinking they’re about to enjoy a delicious chocolaty snack when in fact there’s only paper-wrapped air to be found. Mine, aside from the now obvious biscuit-unwrapping fixation, used to be a love of the silver-screen adventures of Jean Claude. As a teenager I would spend many a happy evening watching and re-watching classics such as Bloodsport (‘He's the American shit head who makes tricks with bricks!’), Kickboxer (‘You must learn to be faster than any punch or kick, that way won't get hit!’), AWOL (‘Wrong Bet!’), Double Impact (‘Big kiss? I'll give him a big kick in the ass, that's what I'll give him!’) and my personal favourite Hard Target (‘Now take your big-stick and your boyfriend, and go find a bus to catch!). However, as eluded to earlier, once the mediocre standards of Van Damme’s efforts began to plunge towards ‘excruciatingly unwatchable’ I was lost as a fan forever. Or so I thought…
I liked to think my cinematic tastes had matured, and that I was drawn to JCVD due to its surprisingly decent reviews. That said, I can see with the almighty power of retrospect that my subconscious yearned to give Van Damme another chance. JCVD sparked my interest; Until Death fanned the flames…now there’s no stopping the Van Dammage. I’ve got ten years of Jean Claude to catch up on, so where was I to start? Once I realised Replicant had ‘double Dammage’, there was no alternative.
Yes, Van Damme takes on not one but two challenging acting roles, playing both hero and villain in Ringo Lam’s 2001 sci-fi action thriller. Having witnessed JCVD briefly kicking the crap out of himself in Double Impact back in 1992, I was certainly eager for more of the same. But there’s more to Replicant than just the double Dammage freak show. There’s a serial killer! And a clone! And a top secret government agency! And Michael Rooker! You know! That bloke from Cliffhanger that shouts ‘Seasons over ass-hole!’ Who? Nevermind.
So, the plot: Garrotte (aka ‘The Torch’) is the villain, played by Van Damme and looking like a cross between Bono and Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart. He’s a serial killer that preys on young mothers and particularly delights in killing them and setting them on fire in front of their children (or ‘evil overkill’ as it should be known in screenwriting classes). What’s more; he’s uncatchable - which is hilarious, given that he operates with all the discretion of a drunken page3 girl and the forethought of a teenage delinquent filming his own crime spree. And with his apparent ‘uncatchability’ comes the message that the entire police force must be retarded, and in particular, Jake (played by Michael Rooker) who has been tracking Garrotte for the past three years. But alas, Jake is retiring (oddly, for reasons never really explained) and leaving Garrotte to continue his killing on someone else’s watch. But neither Garrotte nor the National Security Agency are going to let Jake retire with dignity. Garrotte promises to keep up the killin’ whilst the NSA have an ace of their sleeve. Or, more specifically, another Van Damme up their sleeve. Or, even more specifically, another Van Damme in a giant, slimy egg-like thing.
Yes, action film logic decrees that the most effective way to catch a clumsy, patterned and insecure killer is to obtain his DNA, clone an exact replica and ask the resulting ‘replicant’ how its killer alter-ego operates. If you want to enjoy this movie to the degree that its creators would hope, there are a number of questions and assumptions you need to ignore/absorb as appropriate. Some of these include:
• The presumption that a clone has the same memories as the original. I’m not a scientist but…no, wait, we’re going with it…
• The presumption that the clone can read the mind of the original, and vice versa. Nughghhgh…
• All clones are grown in eggs like those ones from The Matrix. And Alien.
• The NSA would clone people for the purposes of tracking serial killers. Not for anything else. That would just be stupid.
• The NSA would be prepared to let the clone out and about, even though the illegal and top-secret cloning of humans is a rather controversial issue.
With the Replicant in place, Jake is persuaded by the standard-issue NSA goons to take him under his wing and catch Garrotte, utilising this new and absurdly stupid approach. Van Damme, putting in some above average acting to be fair, portrays the replicant as akin to a young child, watching and learning with a youthful innocence. Happily he quickly ‘watches and learns’ a variety of ass-kicking moves which he utilises at frequent intervals in the course of tracking down Garrotte. Jake, with seemingly all the rugged, hard-earned police intuition of an infrequent Cluedo player, eventually gets close to the ruthless Garotte (who still finds time to chase after yummy mummies with his box of Swan Vestas) resulting in the much anticipated Van Damme on Van Damme high kicking action.
It soon becomes apparent that Replicant is tempted, a la Anakin Skywalker, to the dark side to join his ‘brother’. But it also quickly becomes apparent that Replicant is loyal, a la Chewbacca, to his mentor Jake. And if we gloss over the bit where JCVD suffers from a bit of premature ejaculation (I’m not kidding) we’re on the home straight and the final fight.
Garrotte traps the good guys in a hospital in a way that makes Wile E Coyote look like Alexander the Great. Much typical movie villain blundering ensues before we’re in the midst of a Van Damme battle royale again. Only this time, the director is eager to show that Replicant can predict, nay cancel out his adversary by performing the same moves at the same time. Unfortunately, all this manages to achieve is to display the limited number of appropriate attack moves that JCVD has at his disposal. Then Replicant beats Garrotte. Then, just as only the worlds most naïve viewers and people with an IQ of less than 50 think its all over, Garrotte hits Replicant with a shovel (there is no explanation as to why there is a shovel in a hospital). Then Jake shoots Garrotte many times in the chestal area and he is proper dead this time. Then Replicant blows himself up. But obviously he doesn’t. He wants to live so he can revisit the prostitute that made him cream his smalls earlier. The end.
Given that Belgium has a small strip of coastline it may one day be possible to open up a restaurant or indeed seafood wholesaler called ‘Mussels from Brussels’. Indeed, this may be JCVDs retirement masterplan. Until the sad day where he hangs up the, erm, action trousers for good I would urge him to keep making great entertainment like this. Sure, its total, illogical bollocks but deary me its fun; and if he wants to up the ante with a JCVD or Until Death on occasion, alls the better. Now, to imdb, to see what £6 can get me next week in the way of JCVD brilliance!
Far be it from me to ruin any mans much-anticipated Van Dammage; hence be warned that spoilers lay ahead...
Jean Clause Van Damme is in the midst of a renaissance you know. The recently released JCVD, a self-parodying and brutally honest little film that intertwined fact and fiction both cleverly and convincingly, deserved much more mainstream attention than it received. Before that, everyone’s favourite Belgian (yeah, fuck you Tintin, and that dog) could be found putting in a decent acting performance in Until Death which, although flawed, was on a par with a lot of contemporary ‘a-list’ cinematic efforts. With two enjoyable flicks in quick succession I was eager to see what else I’d missed out on in Van Damme’s wilderness years as the 1999 chudfest Universal Soldier: The Return had finally extinguished my once raging enthusiasm for anything Van Damme.
Everyone has a guilty pleasure or two. Be it Donny Osmond, Bingo or removing chocolate biscuits from their wrappers then refolding the wrappers to resemble the original shape and putting them back, hence fooling the next biscuit-seeker into thinking they’re about to enjoy a delicious chocolaty snack when in fact there’s only paper-wrapped air to be found. Mine, aside from the now obvious biscuit-unwrapping fixation, used to be a love of the silver-screen adventures of Jean Claude. As a teenager I would spend many a happy evening watching and re-watching classics such as Bloodsport (‘He's the American shit head who makes tricks with bricks!’), Kickboxer (‘You must learn to be faster than any punch or kick, that way won't get hit!’), AWOL (‘Wrong Bet!’), Double Impact (‘Big kiss? I'll give him a big kick in the ass, that's what I'll give him!’) and my personal favourite Hard Target (‘Now take your big-stick and your boyfriend, and go find a bus to catch!). However, as eluded to earlier, once the mediocre standards of Van Damme’s efforts began to plunge towards ‘excruciatingly unwatchable’ I was lost as a fan forever. Or so I thought…
I liked to think my cinematic tastes had matured, and that I was drawn to JCVD due to its surprisingly decent reviews. That said, I can see with the almighty power of retrospect that my subconscious yearned to give Van Damme another chance. JCVD sparked my interest; Until Death fanned the flames…now there’s no stopping the Van Dammage. I’ve got ten years of Jean Claude to catch up on, so where was I to start? Once I realised Replicant had ‘double Dammage’, there was no alternative.
Yes, Van Damme takes on not one but two challenging acting roles, playing both hero and villain in Ringo Lam’s 2001 sci-fi action thriller. Having witnessed JCVD briefly kicking the crap out of himself in Double Impact back in 1992, I was certainly eager for more of the same. But there’s more to Replicant than just the double Dammage freak show. There’s a serial killer! And a clone! And a top secret government agency! And Michael Rooker! You know! That bloke from Cliffhanger that shouts ‘Seasons over ass-hole!’ Who? Nevermind.
So, the plot: Garrotte (aka ‘The Torch’) is the villain, played by Van Damme and looking like a cross between Bono and Bret ‘The Hitman’ Hart. He’s a serial killer that preys on young mothers and particularly delights in killing them and setting them on fire in front of their children (or ‘evil overkill’ as it should be known in screenwriting classes). What’s more; he’s uncatchable - which is hilarious, given that he operates with all the discretion of a drunken page3 girl and the forethought of a teenage delinquent filming his own crime spree. And with his apparent ‘uncatchability’ comes the message that the entire police force must be retarded, and in particular, Jake (played by Michael Rooker) who has been tracking Garrotte for the past three years. But alas, Jake is retiring (oddly, for reasons never really explained) and leaving Garrotte to continue his killing on someone else’s watch. But neither Garrotte nor the National Security Agency are going to let Jake retire with dignity. Garrotte promises to keep up the killin’ whilst the NSA have an ace of their sleeve. Or, more specifically, another Van Damme up their sleeve. Or, even more specifically, another Van Damme in a giant, slimy egg-like thing.
Yes, action film logic decrees that the most effective way to catch a clumsy, patterned and insecure killer is to obtain his DNA, clone an exact replica and ask the resulting ‘replicant’ how its killer alter-ego operates. If you want to enjoy this movie to the degree that its creators would hope, there are a number of questions and assumptions you need to ignore/absorb as appropriate. Some of these include:
• The presumption that a clone has the same memories as the original. I’m not a scientist but…no, wait, we’re going with it…
• The presumption that the clone can read the mind of the original, and vice versa. Nughghhgh…
• All clones are grown in eggs like those ones from The Matrix. And Alien.
• The NSA would clone people for the purposes of tracking serial killers. Not for anything else. That would just be stupid.
• The NSA would be prepared to let the clone out and about, even though the illegal and top-secret cloning of humans is a rather controversial issue.
With the Replicant in place, Jake is persuaded by the standard-issue NSA goons to take him under his wing and catch Garrotte, utilising this new and absurdly stupid approach. Van Damme, putting in some above average acting to be fair, portrays the replicant as akin to a young child, watching and learning with a youthful innocence. Happily he quickly ‘watches and learns’ a variety of ass-kicking moves which he utilises at frequent intervals in the course of tracking down Garrotte. Jake, with seemingly all the rugged, hard-earned police intuition of an infrequent Cluedo player, eventually gets close to the ruthless Garotte (who still finds time to chase after yummy mummies with his box of Swan Vestas) resulting in the much anticipated Van Damme on Van Damme high kicking action.
It soon becomes apparent that Replicant is tempted, a la Anakin Skywalker, to the dark side to join his ‘brother’. But it also quickly becomes apparent that Replicant is loyal, a la Chewbacca, to his mentor Jake. And if we gloss over the bit where JCVD suffers from a bit of premature ejaculation (I’m not kidding) we’re on the home straight and the final fight.
Garrotte traps the good guys in a hospital in a way that makes Wile E Coyote look like Alexander the Great. Much typical movie villain blundering ensues before we’re in the midst of a Van Damme battle royale again. Only this time, the director is eager to show that Replicant can predict, nay cancel out his adversary by performing the same moves at the same time. Unfortunately, all this manages to achieve is to display the limited number of appropriate attack moves that JCVD has at his disposal. Then Replicant beats Garrotte. Then, just as only the worlds most naïve viewers and people with an IQ of less than 50 think its all over, Garrotte hits Replicant with a shovel (there is no explanation as to why there is a shovel in a hospital). Then Jake shoots Garrotte many times in the chestal area and he is proper dead this time. Then Replicant blows himself up. But obviously he doesn’t. He wants to live so he can revisit the prostitute that made him cream his smalls earlier. The end.
Given that Belgium has a small strip of coastline it may one day be possible to open up a restaurant or indeed seafood wholesaler called ‘Mussels from Brussels’. Indeed, this may be JCVDs retirement masterplan. Until the sad day where he hangs up the, erm, action trousers for good I would urge him to keep making great entertainment like this. Sure, its total, illogical bollocks but deary me its fun; and if he wants to up the ante with a JCVD or Until Death on occasion, alls the better. Now, to imdb, to see what £6 can get me next week in the way of JCVD brilliance!
